Last Saturday, I went “live” on my Facebook page to announce my new personal challenge to be

“Alive on the Outside.”

The content was based on a new realization I had as I participated in an Amplified Train the Trainer event with master trainers, David TS Wood and Colin James. While the apparent goal of the training was to improve our on-stage presentation skills, the stage is used as a metaphor for life:

“How you do anything is how you do everything. You bring yourself with you to the stage.”

I’ve heard David Wood say these words many times, and I thought that I understood them. Yet, as I sat in the audience on the 2nd day of training, I heard them with new ears. A wave of emotion washed over me that was different than I had experienced at other trainings. It wasn’t my typical breakdown; it was a breakTHROUGH! A voice inside of me said “It’s time.”

• Time to live my life as if I am training to be on the big stage, which means I have to SHOW UP completely as MYSELF
• Time to let my thoughts and feelings be seen and heard
• Time to move bigger, speak stronger, and laugh out loud

As my mentor, Dr. Denim L. Slade, often tells me, it’s time to “Make the covert overt,” to which I often argue “I AM! That’s what I’ve been working so hard to do for the past 5 years!” Reality, however, is that while I have taken steps in the direction of “Discovering My Voice,” I still have no idea what my full voice sounds like. Although I’m much more open than I used to be, the part of me that I allow to be seen has m-a-y-b-e approached 50% once or twice, and is most often about 20-25%. And now it is time to make another climb.

“I want–no, I NEED–to be on that stage,” I felt my determined little internal voice say, “whatever that stage is.” It was more clear to me than ever before. “And if I continue to just think and feel it without speaking and acting on it, nobody will ever know.”

The thought was both frightening and empowering at the same time.  I felt that all too familiar anguish of paralyzing fear rise up and try to choke out any commitment I might make to dig deeper. Instead of giving in, I promised myself that I was going to start that very moment to speak up and act out. I must share my thoughts and the desires of my heart, and I must move my body into obvious action. No more wishing from the sidelines…
My first action was to share the urgency I felt to stay an extra day in Vancouver for VIP day, which was a more intimate and intensive training. Speaking my intention wasn’t easy and, to be honest, it was quite messy at first. I immediately began to doubt my decision and give up before I started. However, part of my personality is that when I make a promise to myself, I refuse to break it, so I had no choice but to persist. Persistence paid, and I stayed. VIP Day was wonderful! The benefits of attending definitely outweighed the “pain” of speaking up. I left feeling powerful and on top of the world. “I’ve got this! This time ‘stepping through fears’ will be easier than it was before.”

Would you be surprised if I said “I spoke too soon?”

As I explained in my video, I was blindsided by a simple game of pool. I’m still awestruck by the rush of paralyzing emotions that emerged just because my husband handed me a pool stick and insisted I play. I would have loved to have buried my head in the sand and disappeared forever…what a silly and ridiculous reason to feel afraid!  Still, I had made a promise–so to up my level of accountability to myself, I made it public on FaceBook and asked my friends to hold me accountable as well. Again, I was completely taken by surprise by the tears and the ugly cry voice that couldn’t be hidden as I shared my intentions.  I felt more ashamed than ever, and even more committed. If I am going to cry on live video, there is NO WAY I am giving up!  (Click here to view the video)
Since that game of pool, I have done at least one thing every day that has scared me:

• jumped on the trampoline with my grandson
• had a vulnerable conversation with a loved one
• visited my neighbors for the first time since they moved in
• attended a pottery class with a friend
• asked someone for help

On the outside, these things don’t seem much different from what I thought I had been doing already. Although I have continued to “step through fears,” the level vulnerability has become comfortable. Many of them pertain to events or to people that are just outside my closest circle; there’s still a certain level of separation that keeps me playing safe–a new level of safe, but safe nonetheless. I felt like what I had been doing was good enough…

…until I felt a soft whisper that pierced my soul…

“It’s time to dig deeper.”

Dig deeper! Push my own boundaries! Pierce through another layer of protection until I find the fulness of me that has been buried for most of my life! I thought I had broken down the glass walls I have been living behind, and now I see that I only cracked the surface; the real break through is yet to come. My heart is exploding once again… Oh man! The thought brings such emotion!! Am I ready??

I can’t NOT be ready. It’s my time.