Power Statement follow up: I AM THAT!

Remember back a few months ago when I made the commitment to say my affirmations (my “power statements,” my “I Ams”) out loud every day?

The actual commitment was to say them 100 times a day for 100 days.

100 x 100 = 10,000

I’ve been told that it takes 10,000 hours to become a master at something. Using this logic, I thought that by stating my affirmations 10,000 times, maybe I could become a master at believing my I AMs. I had reached a point where my self-disbelief was quite exhausting, so it was worth a shot!

My report: IT WORKED!!

To tell you the truth, I did not do it 100%. I got off to a really great start, and then I started skipping days. Some days I only listened to my recorded self speaking them; some days I only read through the list once or twice–AND it still worked!! I must say, I stand all amazed!

So, how do I know it worked?

I should actually say “it’s working,” because it’s still a work in progress.  I feel like I have been climbing a very steep mountain for a really long time without ever being able to pull myself up to the next stable ledge. Suddenly I now find myself standing with both feet flat on that ledge. It’s a place where I can stop for a breather, look below me at where I have been (not for too long, tho, or I start feeling queezy and like I could fall back down,) and I can look above me at the next climb.

It didn’t all happen at once. At first I had fun with it, made videos to declare my accountability, allowed myself to put energy behind the words…and then I guess deception set in, emotions got all stirred up, old habits fought for their position in my routine. Yet, I kept them in the back of my  mind–always. I created a playlist of “woman power” music that I listened to faithfully every morning after my personal study time. I didn’t notice it at first, but little things started happening. I started feeling urges to do simple yet CRAZY things, like DANCE! and then I started to find just enough courage to ACT on the urges. I found a video on youtube, which led to enrolling in an online dance class called Shine Dance Fitness. I then found myself locking myself in my office and actually mimicking the dances. I committed to 3 songs at first, and I have to say it was painful. I felt so ridiculous, like I had NO BUSINESS even attempting to move my body like that. There’s something about me and commitment, though. I couldn’t turn back. To make it more “fun,” I decided to video my progress with the idea of creating and posting a progress video once I could actually call what I am doing “dancing.” At this point, that may never happen. I still can’t quite call it dancing. However, I am now up to 30 minutes minimum (yesterday I endured the whole hour!) AND I can honestly say I’m having fun! Sometimes I even catch myself smiling!

There’s MORE!

The next thing I noticed happening still blows my mind. It started with a conversation about lipstick–how I feel ridiculous wearing it and somehow I feel a pull to wear it anyway–and a challenge to go buy 4 bold colors and wear it at least one hour a day. Well, these days there aren’t many challenges that I turn down because I know how it feels on the other side. This same conversation also included discussion on womanhood, femininity, beauty, and how I have felt disconnected from all of it for probably my whole life. I admitted that with all of my power statements, I was never able to use the words “I Am” and “beautiful” in the same sentence…

What happened is a little embarrassing to admit–and I also think it’s the most important part of what I am trying to say: 

Just a few short hours after this conversation, I was scrolling through photos on my phone and it was like I had been handed a new pair of rose colored glasses–so many of the photos that I have cringed at several times transformed before my eyes, and I. Could see. Beauty. In ME! I felt my whole self-perception shift–literally–and suddenly I was filled with a confidence I have never felt before. And it hasn’t gone away!!! I’ve had shaky days and less confident half-hours, but I have both feet planted on a solid higher ground. The view is amazing from where I stand, I refuse to fall backward.

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