“You can advance only by being larger than your present place.”
-Wallace Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich
Larger than my present place?!
Haven’t I already mentioned that feeling big is an “issue” for me? Many times in my life I’ve felt too big, and not just physically but also spiritually and energetically, which sounds funny because on the outside, my energy level can appear to be quite low. But, I promise–it’s a high energy, just at a calm level. There have been so many times that I feel like I’m too big, so I’ve held myself back because I didn’t want to “take up too much space.”
My experience with downhill skiing is probably the best way I know to explain exactly what “too big” or “too much” feels like.
I’ve only been skiing one time. Dave and I had been married only a couple of months. He had an urge one weekend: “I want to go skiing,” to which I replied, “I don’t ski.” And just as any good husband would, he persisted. “Oh, let’s go and I’ll teach you.” So I invited my sister, Dani (also a first timer,
) to come learn with me, and Dave asked my brother, Matt, to come ski with him.
Well, here is how the lesson went: at the top of the bunny hill, Dave said, “Okay, you go like this to turn, (moving his heels to one side,) and this to stop (with his feet in a pigeon-toed position.) Bye!” and he headed up to the bigger mountain because, of course, it was more fun. When you know how to ski, the bunny hill is boring! So, Dani and I were left to figure it out on our own.
We won’t even mention how I felt when I got off the ski lift and was immediately out of control. My skis were excited to get started, I suppose, and I slid right into a group of people, knocking every single one of them over.
It took me awhile to get my nerve back up after that fun beginning. But finally, I began my descent down the bunny hill. I didn’t go far before I began to gain momentum. I felt like I was going SO FAST and the bottom of the hill looked like it was coming up to meet me. Everything seemed to be moving so fast! The feeling was SO BIG that I totally freaked out. I made myself fall because the way I felt was just too much for me–too much momentum, too much energy, too much feeling. I don’t know what it was too much of… just too much of something. I felt completely out of control. I tried once or twice more, until eventually I ended up just sitting down on my skis and riding them the whole way down the bunny hill, and I never went back up.
Dani and I stayed in the cabin until Dave and Matt were finished skiing.
So it’s that feeling… that same freaky, momentum feeling when my whole world starts moving too quickly and it feels really scary… THAT is how I feel every time I think about “outgrowing my place.”
I understand that many people experience a similar emotion when they are asked to dream or when they contemplate stepping into a new adventure or a bigger station in life, and often times we interpret it as a fear of failure. For me, as I have learned to experience life by stepping into my fears, I have discovered that what I am really feeling is actually the opposite–it is a fear of success.
Today, I still stay close to the ski lodge (and the hot chocolate,) and wait to take photos of my family when they reach the bottom of the hill. Many people tell me how I am missing out on a beautiful experience because I won’t ski. And maybe I am. I don’t know that I ever will try again, but the thought does cause me to wonder what else I have missed out on by holding myself back… because I feared that feeling…
